Feel Sorry for Yourself Sure, But Don't Accept the Apology

I know, I know, you read the title and you're like, "Jeez, Matt, lay off the painkillers."

I'll get to that in a minute. First, an update.

Went to MUSC for my second CT Scan-Guided Biopsy. The first one of these I had at Waccamaw, and let me just say that MUSC is world-famous for a reason. Don't get me wrong, I got great care at Waccamaw and appreciate everything they did for me, but this time around was much easier than the first one.

A CT-Guided biopsy involves numbing you up, and using the guidance of multiple CT scans during the procedure, they stick needles into wherever your biggest tumor is and pull out pieces of it for study in order to better diagnose you. The first time around, I went in with just my standard morphine drip (which don't get me wrong, is great). They numb the site where they go in, which for me was the left side of my chest, with Lidocaine. And then they went to work. The moment that they pull the tissue out there is a loud pop, as if it were like a spring-loaded syringe. That moment is really painful.

So, you can understand why this morning I was very nervous and perturbed at the idea of having to repeat this oh-so-fun procedure. However, when we got to MUSC and they got me checked in and into this season's most popular smock (which shows off my best features), the nurse informed me that I would be less than conscious for this procedure. I was stoked. Long story short, she gave me some happy juice, just enough where I couldn't feel a thing and kept informing the doctors and nurses what a "fantabulous" job they were doing. It was nice, but I've been groggy and tired all day. No fun.

The good news: The doctors mostly agree that my bones and bone marrow are not involved, meaning I am most likely stage 3 and not stage 4. Also, I should probably start chemotherapy within the week, which I can't wait for. Yea I know that sounds weird. But with the amount of pain I am in daily, chemo is the only way I am going to get better. So I can't wait to start.

In all of this madness of doctors, hospitals, biopsies, and discussion of treatments, it is really easy to get overwhelmed. It is really easy to get trapped in the pattern of "why me?"

The one thing I have realized is this: it is okay to feel sorry for yourself. But not for long. I had a moment, about three or four days ago, where I had myself a good cry. I let myself realize that I was scared, and also realized that what I was about to go through really WAS scary. So it is okay to feel sorry for yourself, but don't accept the apology. Don't ask "why me," ask "why not me?" I am of the belief that everything happens for a reason, and there is a purpose in all of this for me, and for all of you. Stick with me, and we'll see this through til the end.

At the end of my biopsy today, as I was half-awake and in a fog that would take down a small plane, the doctor who flawlessly performed the procedure and made sure I was virtually pain-free looked at me in the eye and said, "You did great, you're going to be great. We are going to cure this and you will be just fine."

So, whatever your battle is, don't ask why, turn and face your fears and run head-first into them. Feel sorry for yourself, sure...but don't accept the apology.

Thanks for your prayers and concerns. I love you all.

Matt